All sarcasm will now be followed by ba dum bum

SO I saw an old friend and she told me all the wonderful things she was doing with her life. When it came to my turn to talk I paused. This is where I should have talked about my fantastic kids and the volunteer work I have been doing. Instead I chose to say I am dating a married man with three kids. When her jaw dropped I realized she didn't get it. I then said. He is my husband. Nervous laughter quick parting of ways. It was so witty in my mind I am just not sure how it didn't translate into funny. oh well.

I have worse humor than the girls they make fun of on snl who have the npr radio station.

So to make sure that people don't misunderstand me I am going to say ba dum bum whenever I have something sarcastic to say.

So I am going to go clean my house - ba dum bum

:L

The plunger story because Jake went fishing on such a beautiful day... and left me here.

So I called Jake a few minutes ago and he said he was on his way to go fishing. Hmmm. You play, I stay? Well that can not go unchallenged. So I sweetly said have fun as I plotted some revenge. Revenge power activate. Form of: Humiliating story.

So a few years ago on memorial day we went to my Uncle Chucks house in eastern washington. The day was beautiful we had flank steak prepared beautifully by my uncle, the kids were playing in the pool... when Jake decided he needed to drop some kids off at the pool himself if you know what I mean. So since we were all outside he thought he had the all clear to... well you know. So he did his business but unbeknownst to him the entire family began to congregate in the kitchen. Adjacent to the bathroom door.

I see Jacob has been missing a while and start to look around for him. Where or where can he be. I see him out of the corner of my eye in the kitchen window trying to get my attention. I nonchalantly go outside to see what on gods green earth was the matter. He asked me where the plunger was. I asked him why and he looked at me pale faced and sweatily and said why do you think. Ty ring my best not to laugh, which is hard for me because I am a cruel woman and laugh at misfortune, I told him I would ask my aunt nancy. I started walking away and felt a firm grip on my had and looked back to a face of panic. Insert wild laughter here. I told him I would find it take it too the bathroom. He looked at his feet. What now. He told me the door was locked. Really? SO I asked how he got out. The window. Insert gut busting laughter here.

The plan went like clockwork. Lure the herd of adults outside to the pool, sneak the plunger out of the closet go out the back door and hand it to Jake through the window. I think that is the end of it all. I go out to enjoy my family now that the craptastrophy is over and I see jake come out and jump in the pool. I lean over and asked if he put the plunger away. He said no that he had thrown it out the window.

There are a few morals of this story:

1. Never invite Jake over he will plug your toilet and toss your plunger

2. Men are embarrassed of their poop but proud of their farts.

So Jake....

I hope you enjoy your fishing trip. At least I didn't include your crapcapper when we were in Mexico and I had to try to speak spanish to the maid for a plunger while you hid in the bedroom. Did I mention she gagged?

Just say no or you might have a brain cloud

In my formative years there was a just say no campaign. Why then, with all that teaching, is no the one word I can not seem to utter (the word utter makes me think of udders but i digress). No matter how impossible the task or if I am double booked I still manage to do all of the odd tasks I am asked to do. From watching someones kids twice a week (for free) to raising baby chickens for my sons kindergarten teacher I seem to have no boundaries.

It may sound so simple, just say no, but it seems like a crazy thing to do. There in lies my insanity. I don't want to let people down or leave the in a lurch and I crave the praise my martyrdom bring to me.

For example - a friend of mine had chickens that were attacked by dogs I volunteered to go over, find, pick up and bury the dead chickens. Who does that?

So my conclusions is I must have a brain cloud like on joe versus the volcano. What else could it be.

Tiger moments for your amusement -

About a month ago Tiger told me he no longer wanted to go to school. I asked him why and he said because you weren't allowed to poop at school. I had to ask him about 3 more times to make sure I had heard him right. Some little guy told Tiger you can not under any circumstances poop at school and he was getting tummy aches. I told him I would ask Mrs. Kirbawy about it. He then shot a look of terror at me. He told me that I was not to talk dirty to Mrs. Kirbawy. So the next day I took TIger into the school and asked the teacher point blank if you were allowed to poop in the school. While asking this Tiger began to silently cry because I had said poop to his teacher. So I think I became a blasphemer in his eyes but at least he can poop at school again.

The Bloomsday Hangover

This is my first post on my very own blog. I could have started at the beginning but then it would be just another unfinished project. So I will start with yesterday.

Sunday, May 2- Spokane

2:30am - I woke up sleeping with my niece laina. I heard a spooky noise like someone was sharpening an ax. I look over to protect my eight year old niece and realize that it is not a murderer it is just some good old fashioned teeth grinding. Not only was she half octopus she was making murder noises. I gave her a good shove to end the noise and covered her up. (sorry Ang)

3:33am - I hear some clanging and realize that my mom is awake.

4:50am - Yep those are dishes getting done.

6:30am - open my eyes and see an eight year old staring straight into my eyes. I quickly recovered and asked if we should give up this sleeping thing and get ready for the race.

7:30am - Beth is coralling us to get down to bloomsday so we wouldn't be late.

8:00am - Tired and confused I waited by (no lie) a giant red wagon for my sister anna and her 3 kids to arrive.

9:00am - still waiting to race.

9:46am - lost my 11 year old nephew in the crowd.

9:48am - The group of over 1000 people we were with started racing.

9:50am - I am completely lost.

10:15am - Thanks to the miracle of cell phones I am found.

10:16am - 2 Nieces and a nephew are way ahead not to be seen again until the race is over.

The actual 12k was a mixture of water fights, various pranks, dancing with storm troopers and telling Anna and Kayla to speed up. On of my favorites is right before doomsday hill I told Anna's step daughter that she could quit if she was hurting and go home with my parents and she almost said yes before Anna told her that if she did she would call her a quitter for a year.

We walked for about 40 minutes after the race just to get our t shirts. THen another mile back to our cars.

When we returned to My parents house they had candy, pizza, juice, the whole nine yards. I took a quick shower and when I got out and started eating I realized that a plan had materialized when I was bathing. Beth grabbed her coat and said it was all arranged and would see me latter. Did I fail to mention that Beth was my ride to Spokane? Luckily Ang took me in and let me ride home with her and her 3 kids and gigantic dog. Hazahhh!

On the way home we did a few crafts, told stories, and I was forced to enter SEVERAL public restrooms. All the time dreading what has been happening at home. You see. No matter how much planning I do the house will always be a disaster when I get home. I have to say not even I was prepared for what I was coming home to.

I tried to call several times to warn Jake that he needed to clean up or I might put eyedrops in his coffee but no answer. I knock on the door and here comes my loving husband.... and a smell. A very bad smell. Cat poop. Lots of cat poop. and... a sound a sort of wailing. my four baby kittens were craping all over the place and my 2 year old was trying to get to me with both legs in one pant leg like a mermaid. I flash to jake - big smile, I flash to the kittens - poop everywhere, I flash to the garbage - overflowing, the dishes - all over the house, the tv- has a video game on full blast. I look back and see ANg, The queen of clean, coming straight for me. Sweat drops!!! I had to think fast.

Option A - Shut the door on my sister who has driven me 5 hours to my home. (Was a front runer)

Option B - throw myself down the stairs and hope o injure myself badly enough to need immediate assistance.

Option C - let her in.

Jake hims and hahs and tries to defend himself by saying that he was overwhelmed and the baby woke up at 5am and ate all the candy that I had hidden in the vegetable drawer (usually a great hiding spot). So that is why the baby was crazed. Then he said the 6 week old kittens were not using their litter box any more. I glanced into the liter box to see the mama cat had taken a gigantic crap in the baby litter box. They would have been covered in crap had they entered it. So I am madly cleaning up poops until Ang suggests that it might be best if she takes off. Ohh Merciful Ang. So right before she leaves I tell the girls they can take their chosen 2 kittens. There was no stopping them after that. lol. Again. Sorry Ang. As they were getting ready to leave Jake Tells Xander to go get in the shower and get ready for bed. So... My eight year old boy strips down and gets into the shower with the bathroom door wide open. Sweat Drops..

So after laundry is started, the floor is swept, the poops are cleaned up, the garbage is taken out, the chickens are fed, I start the dishes. When Xander says he is still hungry and asks Jake for another hamburger sandwich. At this point Jake takes a hamburger patty that appeared to have been out for some time judging by the congealed fat on the pan and serves it to him like a delicacy. I looked closer and realized that the cat must have take a bite of it as well. At this point I weighed my options and let it happen.

So we put the children to bed and I sat jake down and asked him if he appreciates me more now. He looks at me and tells me he thinks he did pretty good. I asked him nicely through my teeth if he was joking. Nope. I said are you not impressed that I keep this place going as well as it does? He said, "Well, I didn't try very hard."

Your Welcome!